Bi-polar, suicide, and heartache

My step son who recently turned 18 tried to kill himself 2 weeks ago.  He works at a bar.  He lives with a room mate.  He left our house when he was 16.  My husband and I have 4 other child 8 – 1.  We were coming back from getting groceries and getting an ice cream cone when the bar called.  They couldn’t find him, he just disappeared.   There were several suicide notes.  My husband had just seen him a few hours earlier, he was fine. We drove and we searched, thinking of places he might have gone.  We went back toward the bar and someone yelled he’s in the ditch.  He had cut his neck many times with a steak knife and laid down to die.  His smoking saved him.  His lighter wouldn’t work so he walked back into the kitchen of the bar for a new lighter.  The waitress saw him and called 911.  The kids were in the van so I brought them into the empty bar so they would not see anything.  They played pool.  Only Piper my oldest knew what was going on.  Danny thought he was covered in mud.  Thank goodness for my quick thinking daughter, she said, “well of course he’s covered in mud, it was raining and he was in the ditch”.

Any way he went the ER and was sewn up by a surgeon.  I never would have imagined how bad it was had my husband not snapped a picture with his phone. It was disturbing and definitely a serious attempt.  He was put in the psych unit for a few days, diagnosed as bi-polar, put on a new regime of drugs and released.

He tried to party with his drugs. He seemed angry.

Saturday we got a call in the morning.  His roommate couldn’t wake him, he was hot and having seizures.  My husband left work only to miss the ambulance.  He arrived at the hospital just in time to see helicopter lift off.  They were transferring him to a larger hospital.  He had overdosed on a bottle of Seroquil. I was able to see him on Sunday.  It was so scary.  He seemed like a vegetable, stuck between sleep and wake.  He couldn’t hold onto where he was and kept looking for things that weren’t there.  I was afraid he was going to stay like that for the rest of his life.  I don’t think that was the ‘escape’ he was looking for.  Fortunately he came around by the next evening and was transferred back to the psych unit.  He’s there still, in the ICU side.  He wants to get out of the ICU side so he has more freedom.  Mike drives there every night after work to visit till 8:30 then comes home.  We went  last night just for the ride, an hour there and and a hour back.  I thought I could knit or read but I just feel to depressed to do anything.  Hopefully I am a comfort to my husband, I know how I feel going through this and can’t imagine what he is going through.  My step son said he only wants to talk to his Dad or his Mom (who took her own life when he was 5).  It is so sad.  To comfort my daughter who I’m sure finds this very confusing and upsetting,  I told her, “He’s just a little boy who needs his mom”.  I can’t imaging ever leaving a child, I am so angry at her for that.

We found out that there’s a girl out there that may be carrying his child.

I don’t feel like he’s gonna live.

I hope he ends the cycle.

I need to write him a letter, whether he reads it or not.  So, I guess this is just me gearing up to do that.